They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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