I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
