I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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