I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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