Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
