1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
