why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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