I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize