i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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