ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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