i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
