the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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