First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I understand Curling. That high.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
