theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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