you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize