Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
