I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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