i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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