I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
