I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
