Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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