Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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