This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
