there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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