im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
