So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
