Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016