I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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