I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
