Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
