I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize