My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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