i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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