after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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