I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
