i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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