Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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