fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
