She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
