I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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