The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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