i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
