oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
