ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
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Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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