Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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