Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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