I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
