There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
