Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
