My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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