oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
