I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
