just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
