Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
