I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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