he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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