there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
