i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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