That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
