Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
