the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My bed is full of blood and feathers
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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