dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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