I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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