mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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