and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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