Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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