Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
