Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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